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Joining the increasing movement of men speaking out against domestic violence is actor Victor Rivers. Mr. Rivers, who played professional football for the Miami Dolphins after attending Florida State University on a full four-year scholarship, has appeared in ten television shows and two dozen movies, including The Mask of Zorro and Amistad. He is now a spokesperson for the National Network to End Domestic Violence.
In
his own words... "I wanted to put a man's face on the problem. It's important to have a man speak out. People ask me why I'm speaking out on domestic violence and not child abuse, since that's what happened to me. The fact is, if someone had protected my mother, we would have been fine. In most cases, if kids are being abused so are their mothers. If we want to help kids, we have to protect their mothers."] DOMESTIC
VIOLENCE AS A MAN'S ISSUE "Boys might try to defend their mothers and get hurt." "If
young boys are watching their mothers get abused, they're either thinking that
type of behavior is acceptable or they're going to try to defend their roomers.
[A majority] of all boys age 12-18 jailed for homicide are in prison for killing
their mother's abuser." Children
can also sustain injuries if they intervene in an attack, either intentionally
or accidentally. Athletics
often mirrors how society expects men to act. "There's a code of machismo,
a code of being tough. It's a false bravado. Most of these men are caring, loving
individuals, but their sport tells them to be tough. You don't want to let down
your teammates and be seen as a weakling." "I wasn't worried that I'd be violent towards women. There was never a hint of that. I knew that what my father did to my mother was wrong. I justified his violence towards me, that somehow I deserved what he was doing. But not to my mother." "In my relationships with women, it was the concern of allowing someone in that deeply I was afraid to get into a long-term relationship because of the fear of being hurt. I had been so hurt by my father, I didn't want to get hurt again." Victor did fine on his own. But, after awhile, he felt something was missing. "I was so used to taking care of myself for such a long time I thought I didn't need that kind of contact. But when I was in my thirties, I realized there was an empty space that needed to be filled," Victor met and married Mim, writer Miriam Eichler-Rivas.* "We've been married for ten years, together for thirteen. Mim has been so nurturing. We grow together." Some old fears resurfaced before the birth of their baby however, with concerns about his ability to be a loving father. "When my son was due, I was very excited - in my conscious mind. But about 2-1/2 months before he was born, I suffered a major attack that we thought might be a heart attack. The doctor ran a barrage of tests and they all came back negative. After the second attack, we realized it was anxiety I guess I thought that maybe that monster might be inside me." Victor need not have worried. "When I held my baby in my arms and cut his cord, I knew that I could never hurt my son." (Editor's note: Contrary to popular notion, boys who witness domestic violence are not destined to become batterers themselves. Some do; some don't. And many people who do batter never experienced it growing up. Battering is a choice that stems from a belief that a person has the right to control an intimate partner and that violence is an acceptable means of establishing and maintaining that control.) "You don't need to hurt children to teach them. You can train an animal without ever raising your hand. Kids just want your love and approval." EVERYONE
NEEDS TO GET INVOLVED "It's encouraging to me that when I first started speaking out almost three years ago, it was just me and the women. Even in just the past few months, I'm seeing more male faces and policemen attending die domestic violence conferences I speak at. They're at ground zero, involved in the movement, and I applaud them for stepping forward." "Even my son wants to be involved," Victor says. "He's seven years old now. But, when he was five, he spoke at a few events. This is one of his speeches: 'Hi. My name is Eli Rivas. I'm five years old and I want to thank all of you for making this world a better place to five in.'" Victor laughs as he adds, "He was also latching onto political slogans at that time and insisted that my wife put 'Leave no child behind' in one of his speeches. He was very serious about that." Victor feels that he was saved by the care and support of friends and coaches, who opened their homes and hearts to a tough teenage boy. The importance of that type of community intervention is a cornerstone of his message. "I hope more people will take a stand against our greatest yet most curable social disease," he asserts. "If we want a less violent world, we have to begin at home. It just takes a few courageous men to speak out." * Victor changed his name from Rivas to Rivers in Hollywood when he realized that his Latin name limited the roles offered to him at the time. |
Things
haven't always been easy for Victor. As a boy, he, his siblings, and his mother,
a Cuban immigrant, were verbally abused, tied down, burned, cut, locked in closets
and severely beaten by Victor's father, a computer programmer. At the age of twelve,
Victor went to the police to show them his abused body Although horrified at the
acts of domestic violence that were on the level of torture, the police could
offer little assistance. The year was 1967 and these acts were considered a "private
family matter." OPDV Bulletin Editor Suzanne Diamond Cecala recently spoke
with Victor about his past and his commitment to help in the effort to end domestic
violence.